On occasions I have to deal with difficult behaviour, or listen to harrowing things, but that's rare, there are lots of misconceptions about the children in care, and how they behave. These kids have had hard lives, they don't know how to deal with it. They don't have the skills. They need to be taught. They don't know why they do what they do, and their behaviour is a reflection of what has happened to them....but don't all children behave badly at times?...besides Iʼm trained how to handle it. Iʼm the professional.
The difference is in the detail. People say to me “I couldn't do it”, but I often wonder if they mix up couldn't with wouldn't...would they allow their own children to be neglected or abused or exploited, the answer is NO....if they knew that was happening to their own children could they do something about it, the answer is YES.
Why is it different for someone else's child than your own?
The detail is, these children are just like yours, with all the bad bits that your good parenting protected them from. It was you as a parent that protected them from harm...it was your good upbringing that gave you the skills to be able to protect a child from harm...
The children I look after are all different, have all had different experiences, but they all share a common base, they know fear, and pain, and neglect, and abuse...they only know that people hurt them. They don't know how to trust. Why would they. The people they trusted the most also let them down the most.
Fostering is about change. Its about proving to a child that life is not what they think it is. It's about being prepared to show them no matter how hard they try to show you youʼre wrong. Its mostly about patience, and consistency, and honesty. Its also about being like a swan......calm on the surface and all that......
Its the part the children donʼt see thatʼs perhaps the most important, The ability to be professional in the face of hostility or conflict. The ability to challenge poor decisions and poor practice. Being the person who fights for whatʼs right not whatʼs cost efficient. The person who retains balance and common sense and the over riding desire to speak for and defend a child who canʼt defend themselves. The doing whatʼs right not whatʼs easy.
Sound dramatic?.. itʼs not really. Itʼs all about working together with other professionals for whatʼs best, and doing so when not everyone agrees. In this process the foster carer is the most important person in the room. Youʼre the one with all the facts about that child, you live with them, and you make the most difference to them with what you do every day.
Fostering isnʼt for everyone, some people canʼt deal with the realities of what these children have faced, or the realities of trying to repair it. I wonʼt say itʼs easy, itʼs not. It is challenging, and can be stressful. Itʼs in no way easy money.
For me, when you help these kids heal and grow and thrive, and you see it. Itʼs worth it. Are they always grateful, no, but its not about gratitude, its about the long term future, and the kind of society we want to live in, and breaking the repeating patterns of these families.
Itʼs about making lives better....thatʼs enough for me.
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